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Category: Student Articles

I am Loved

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“God, I am sorry.”

“God, I am hurting.”

“God, I am dirty. I am a disappointment. I am so incredibly lost.”

This has been my conversation to God most of my life. I came to Him in my brokenness, over and over and over again. I came to Him for forgiveness, but never for love. I came to Him for healing, but surrendered nothing. That was my “relationship” with God. I had no idea someone
like me, with all that I’ve done, could have it any other way. Little did I know, it just took one small step in obedience for God to show me something incredible. “Let it all go” is what I heard for over a year. A year full of pain, disappointment, heartbreak, and plenty of sin. There I was, fighting for worldly things while Jesus was fighting for me. Finally desperate enough, I let it all go. And that’s when every worldly thing I wanted began to mean nothing. I tried not to let my shame and my complete lack of self-worth keep me from saying “yes”. So I decided to do a DTS, leave my plans behind, and put my complete trust in what God had for me.

The first three months, I expected to learn who God really was. And honestly, I did. But even more than that, I learned about love. Yes, LOVE! Love was always one of those things I talked about, but never really understood. I thought love came from goodness, and I knew that I wasn’t good. And I knew that I didn’t deserve to be loved, especially by God. I was “too dirty”.  But then something happened during lecture phase. God completely exposed what I had believed my whole life as a lie. He showed me that I was beautiful, not dirty. He would tell me over and over again “you are loved”.  Every time I felt unworthy He would tell me “I know you. I see you. You are heard”. It was the most beautiful thing. And it didn’t stop either. Every day He poured more and more truth into me about how incredibly loved I am by Him. I began to believe it, too. That’s what changed everything. It’s one thing to hear something, but it’s another thing to completely let that become a truth in your life. I am loved!

Then came outreach. The biggest thing God taught me during those two months was the act of surrendering. There were many lies that the enemy tried to speak, but once I realized the control those had on me, I gave them to God. There were moments I felt unqualified. Moments I didn’t understand. Moments I was heartbroken. And it was in those moments that God showed me His power. In my weakness He was always there to give me strength. The enemy would come, but God’s power outshone the enemy every single time I chose to surrender. The peace I found in giving those things to God really helped me own my own story. I began to absolutely LOVE telling my testimony. It was something I was nervous but so excited about! I wasn’t “too dirty” at all for those who chose to listen. I wasn’t “too weak”. I was qualified because it was through God’s strength and not my own. It became God’s words. It became God’s story. And the fact that He can use it for His glory shows just how beautiful and gracious He is! Now that I’m back home, I am so incredibly thankful that I said “yes”. I have a relationship with Jesus that no longer consists of just brokenness. I go to Him in LOVE! I surrender anything that tries to capture me and take me away from that love. I am His! He is mine! And this journey has been the best decision of my life.

I am loved.

The Struggle of Obedience

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“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:1-2

My hearts desire is to faithfully serve my Father, walking in complete obedience to what the Lord asks of me. I know and believe in my heart that his plans are perfect, that he has purposed and has a purpose for all things. But how can I walk in obedience to him when I don’t know what he is asking of me? How can I faithfully follow in his footsteps when I am struggling to discern his will in the midst of my emotions? These questions have been racing and rattling through my brain. I have stepped out in faith multiple times, invested my heart in where I was sure the Lord was leading me. I was wholly invested, ready to embrace God’s plan, but then… disappointment, discouragement, confusion. God broke me for a place and people group. He gave me vision and purpose. He aligned my heart with his. He told me to go, but then closed the door.

“Why did these plans I was so sure of fall apart? God I still trust you. Clearly you have closed a door, show me what it is you want me to do. I will be obedient, my life is yours.”

Then another opportunity arose. I was thrilled at the chance to obediently serve. I stepped out in faith and pursued the direction I felt the Lord leading me in. My heart was wholly invested, ready to embrace God’s plan, but then… disappointment, discouragement, confusion.

Doubt began to seep into my thoughts. Had I heard wrong from the Lord? Was I so eager to have a plan that I acted out of emotion instead of what the Spirit was speaking? I know that I hear God, and I know his voice, but I found myself in a place of wrestling. Wrestling with what God was doing, wrestling with trust, wrestling with why he would speak and not bring about his words. I would like to say that I took a day off from my school work to pray, and God gave me all the answers, but that is not how this panned out. It has been weeks of questions and wrestling. Weeks of praying and seeking. Weeks of fighting and asking God to give me wisdom. Weeks of waiting on him for understanding.

This week I was presented with a difficult and convicting question: If God truly speaks a plan to me and places a direction on my heart, then changes the plan, will I still trust him?

But what if God doesn’t speak – what about silence and seasons of feeling “distant”?

Even when God is not speaking, he is still moving.

The feeling of distance can be challenging, confusing, and frustrating, especially when we are seeking the Lord for direction and waiting on him for counsel. In those times, we must hold on to the truth that when God does seem distant, he is still present, active, and moving. The beautiful aspect of God’s silence is that it forces and challenges us to deepen our trust in him. Sometimes God allows us to come to the end of ourselves so that we must rely on him. If he gave us a play by play schedule of his plan, it would take away from the faith and trust that he desires from us. When we are unsure, choose to trust God, then see how he brought about his will, our faith in him is grown. Nothing that we do defines or changes him; he defines and changes us. God is always moving, whether he speaks or not.  Are we always trusting, or do we choose to listen to doubt when we are anxious for an update?

God’s movement is not dependent on our beliefs, but he invites us into a place of trusting him as he moves. He invites us to be aligned with his will.

Throughout this time of God stretching and growing my trust in him, I have been convicted and challenged. I realized that I had been so focused and worried about what God was doing, that I began focusing my prayers on God’s plan for me, rather than focusing on the purpose behind God’s plan. Now don’t get me wrong, praying for direction is not bad, but should we always be anxiously praying for the “next step”? God challenged me to come to a place of being concerned for his glory, rather than being concerned for my own happiness. God challenged me to shift my prayers – not to always pray about what God was doing but to pray that God would give me the strength, wisdom, and discernment to be obedient. In being obedient to God, we align ourselves with his will and his direction; and through that obedience we see his promises fulfilled. Our prayers should be concerned for God’s glory, not just our own happiness. If we truly desire to align ourselves with what God is doing, then obedience is the key.

I would like to say that through these revelations the Lord gave me all the answers and the direction that he was leading me in; but it doesn’t always work out that way. I still am not sure where God is leading me and I still have many unanswered questions, but these revelations have led me to an even more value result. They have given more depth to my trust in God. They have given peace in the midst of my confusion. They have brought contentment to my striving.

God has presented us with an invitation. He is inviting us to trust him in all things, at all times – when he changes the plan, when he asks us to wait, and when he is silent. Are we focused on bringing glory to his name, or are we more concerned with our own happiness and desires? God is always good, he is always moving, he is always in control, his plans are always perfect, and he will always lead us in his timing.

 

Jesus I want to reflect you, like a mirror where I stand
Not get stuck in these lies like sinking sand
But not just reflect you, God I want to project you
Like film on a screen, Help me to make you seen
I know that you are mighty, You are just, You are true
But how can I live daily looking like you
Your grace overwhelms me, It brings me to my knees
May your grace be sufficient, And your love me enough
I’m thirsty for you, God fill my cup
Adorn me as your bride, Waiting to meet you
At the altar, God help me to seek you
I’m broken and lost, I’m faced with suffering
But I’ve counted the cost, And I count it all as loss
The pleasure, the people, the power, the places, the picture of what this world says is priceless
The invitation you have graciously given, Is so much greater
Knowing that I am forgiven, I will conquer this world
Because you have conquered it for me
I can’t bring myself to turn back, Because I know who sees me
Take away this fear I have of man’s sight
That I might shine you, big and bright
To fear the Maker, The Creator of those very ones with eyes that spite
God give me eyes only for you, Take this life and make me new
To die to myself , Following in your footsteps
To see past the lies, the pain, the sorrow
To eagerly wait, Believing that you could come tomorrow
God make me a mirror, That through my eyes the world would not see me
But only a reflection of you 

To the Doubters

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I doubt… A LOT. I think it’s completely normal to doubt. But what if God just simply wants us to believe that He is capable of more than we can imagine?  It’s more than we can imagine because we put our lives and our God in a box 90% of the time. I have a friend who doesn’t like personality tests because she says it puts her in a box she says she cannot be defined by a type of personality because she has many parts to her. I think so often we try to categorize God into a “personality type” we think he should be one way, but God is like my friend, he cannot simply be defined by one trait or one characteristic because he has so many parts to him. To quote Shrek:

Shrek: Ogres are like onions.
Donkey: They stink?
Shrek: Yes. No.
Donkey: Oh, they make you cry.
Shrek: No.
Donkey: Oh, you leave em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin’ little white hairs.
Shrek: No. Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.

God has a lot of layers to him and I don’t think we are going to see every layer of God even if we live to be 100 and that’s just because he is God and he is unexplainable.

Jesus Appears to Thomas –  John 20:24-29

24 Now Thomas (also known as Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. 25 So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!”

But he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.”

26 A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” 27 Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”

28 Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!”

29 Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

Thomas was like all of us, he had his doubts. What’s shocking to me in this story is that Thomas walked with Jesus, literally. He saw people being healed, he saw the blind gain sight and he saw the dead raised to life. Thomas saw it all and yet when the people he spent the last few years with told him that Jesus rose from the dead, he doubted. How could he doubt when he literally watched the unexplainable happen time and time again?! And how could he doubt the people he spent so much time with, even if it seemed crazy, shouldn’t he have trusted the word of his friends? Why was it so unbelievable that Jesus could’ve risen from the dead when he watched Lazarus rise from the dead? If Thomas struggled with unbelief even when he walked with Jesus, maybe it’s not completely out of the ordinary that I too struggle with doubt.

Doubt so often holds me back from experiencing all that God has for me. I doubt that God is going to come through financially. I doubt that God wants to use me and I doubt that God could still perform miracles. I’m a doubter. But Jesus challenges Thomas to believe without seeing. See Thomas believed in the miracles because he saw them first hand, he was there for them. But when Jesus rose from the dead, he didn’t see him and because he didn’t see him, he didn’t believe. It’s not that he didn’t think Jesus was capable of rising from the dead he just needed to see it to believe it. And yet, Jesus says “Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

And yet, Jesus says “Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

There is something powerful about having faith. Faith, as defined by Webster, is a strong belief or trust in someone or something. It’s trust. Thomas wanted to see Jesus, he wanted to touch him and see the nail marks in Jesus’ hands. He struggled with unbelief which boiled down to the fact that he struggled with trust. He didn’t trust the word of the disciples. He allowed his doubt to interfere with believing that Jesus was who he said he was. But Jesus had grace for Thomas. And Thomas cried out “My God!” it turned out okay but how cool would it have been if Thomas could’ve just received what the disciples were saying? I wonder how that would’ve looked if Thomas had such a confidence in who Jesus is that when the disciples told him Jesus is alive that he said “YES! I knew what he said was true!” I know that either way Jesus loves Thomas the way he is. But I think we can experience so much more of who God is if we can just believe him even when we can’t see.

God has many layers and I want to experience the side of God that requires me to have a confidence and belief in the unseen. I don’t want my doubt to hold me back from experiencing all that God has for me. Oh and did you notice this detail? “A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” The doors were locked…

Overcoming Fear

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Since I was a child I’ve struggled with fear. Fear of man, fear of health problems, fear of rejection. It was a gripping and suffocating problem to a point where I’d have panic attacks at 3 in the morning and allow it to devour my joy and control my life. A little over a year ago I began an adventure with God that has been walking me out of fear and into truth and I believe one day I will be completely free.

It began in my DTS (Discipleship Training School) when I got a quarter sized kidney stone and had to go home. It then continued through my outreach in Taiwan and the beginning of my School of Biblical Studies. I’d been asking myself “why” everyday. Why do I struggle with fear? Why have I gone through certain things? Why is this still something I have to face daily? And the hardest, where are you in this God? Well, I received an answer.

My school is currently studying Jeremiah. In our first class I was overwhelmed and in awe of God and his presence. Jeremiah was called as a young man to go and share hard news with the people of Judah. He was to share that God was going to use their enemies to execute judgment on them for all the sin they had committed. He was afraid to declare this, but he decided that God was worth doing anything for. He put away his societies view of what the appropriate age to be in ministry was as well as his fear of lacking in ability and chose to be obedient to God. In this harsh prophecy, God gives the people hope and comfort in restoration. In Jeremiah 18:5-11 there’s an illustration of a potter and clay. Through this our teacher, Deb Possin, so beautifully explained that God was telling the people they were going to go through this hardship and judgment, and that it had to happen in order for them to be REFORMED so that they could do greater things than they could’ve before.
Don’t get me wrong, my take away from this was not that God was giving me a kidney stone, allowing hard emotional disappointments, and stretching me to new depths in order to punish me for my sins. What I am saying is that God allowed me to face these things so that I could be reformed for greater things that I couldn’t have achieved before without those burdens. Why? Because He loves me so deeply.
He loves us so much that He doesn’t let us stay in one place. He doesn’t leave us where we are comfortable because He sees and knows we could be so much greater. He challenges us and sometimes it feels as if we’re completely broken, like a clay pot, but it’s not so we will sit in that crumbled place or be in bondage by those things, it’s so that He can mold us into something so much better, because He loves us and it’s for His glory. What a beautiful thing, to have a savior that loves us so much that He walks WITH us through our pain, He cares for us, He’s been through it all, and He knows what’s best even when we don’t understand.
I have found freedom in experiencing God and seeing how so very worthy He is. Even if it gets harder or I face something terminal, He is with me and He is reforming me for greater things and He loves me. I want to be like Jeremiah and walk out of fear and not be held captive by the world because I know I have the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Almighty Savior standing beside me and reforming me.

This Isn’t Just For You

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In our first week of SBS, one of our teachers had us write down why we came. I wrote this in my notebook, “I came to SBS to gain my own understanding about this book I dedicate my life to and to gain intimacy with the One who called me.” My heart was pure and I believe my motives were good. Over the time I’ve been in SBS, my reason for being here has changed. Before I came to SBS, I desired to know truth. A common phrase I hear more often than I’d like is “my truth is my truth, and your truth is your truth”. I knew this went against everything I believed about Jesus being THE truth. What I didn’t understand was how God was calling me to be a part of blowing that phrase apart.

Over the course of the first quarter, I was overwhelmed as I dug into the Bible and uncovered things I’d never known before. I’ve known who Jesus was since I was three. How had I never known the difference between justification and sanctification? How had I never fully understood why Jesus’ death on the cross was necessary? Why hadn’t I ever heard it taught before that 1 Corinthians 14 isn’t about women not speaking in church, it’s about unity in the church? That first quarter, I really felt like I was uncovering gold in my studies. As I started to learn and understand these truths in the Word of God, I also learned that I’m not alone in my Bible illiteracy. Ron Smith, one of the founders of the SBS, shared with our class that less than 20% of Christians have read the entire Bible and less than 45% have read the entire New Testament. The fact that we call ourselves followers of Christ, yet walk around not having read the breathed out word of God, terrified me. My studying of the Bible went from an interest to a necessity. I realized that I’ve dedicated my life to following, loving and serving a God that I never took the time to fully know.

When we came into SBS, our staff said repeatedly “This isn’t just for you”, and I’d smile and think about how maybe someday I could share with someone an insightful tidbit I’d learned in my SBS and I’d have done my duty. During second quarter, I noticed a drastic shift in my mindset. No longer was I only studying to gain personal understanding, but everything I was learning I wanted to know well enough to teach other people. The Holy Spirit started working in me and stirring up a passion for truth. The thought came to me time and time again, “People have to know this. This is THE truth.” 2 Timothy 3:16­17 says “All Scripture is God-­breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” People can’t follow God if they don’t know his commands, they can’t have hope for the future if they don’t know what the promises are, they can’t live their lives as Sons and Daughters of Christ if they don’t know what their identity is. These truths are found in the Bible and the world around me is desperate to hear about it.

I started my SBS with the intention of gaining understanding about the Bible, and yes, over my time here so far I’ve started that never-ending journey. But the main thing I’ve gained through SBS is an understanding of how desperately I need to know this book. Not just for myself, but for the people who’ve never heard the name of Jesus. For the people who have heard his name and haven’t been shown his love. For the people who are followers of Christ and haven’t yet uncovered the depths of riches in the book they’ve hardly ever read.

A Skill I Never Expected I Would Use

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In 2013 I went through a course called Wilderness Advance First-Aid (WAFA) and CPR as part of Endurance DTS.  It was a fascinating course, however, I never expected I would use these skills. Then it happened, as I was going about my day with some friends, these skills were needed and I was called to put them to use.

In 2015, while a student in the School of Biblical Studies (SBS), some friends and I went to Seattle for spring break.  On our way to Seattle we stopped at a mall to grab something to eat at a food court.  While we were eating, my thoughts were drifting as I recovered from the long drive. Suddenly, one of my friends started shouting at me, “Benji help! He’s going to DIE!”  I looked up and saw a man with his children  at a nearby table, grabbing his throat, trying to speak but he could not. I quickly realized that this man was choking.  Knowing there were mere seconds to respond, I leapt out of my seat and my mind instinctively knew what to do from the EDTS training in First-Aid.  I wrapped my arms around the man and started the Heimlich Maneuver.  While preforming the Heimlich on him, I thought to myself that this wasn’t going to work and he is going to die right there in front of me.  I was about to turn to my friend and say  “call 911!” but then the man’s passage cleared and he was able to breath again.

What a relief! The adrenaline left my system as I sat down and felt a great weight drop from my shoulders as I knew the man would be alright.  When I sat down my friends looked at me and said  “Where did you learn how to do that?”  I told them that I took CPR and WAFA a few years back as part of EDTS.  Then it hit me as my friends told me that I had just saved a man’s life.  Other people started coming up to thank me for saving this man’s life.  What really touched me is when the man that was choking came up to me with tears in his eyes and thanked me.  Knowing that this man was a father and his kids were present with him during this awful incident, moved me to tears.  I was thankful that God could place me at this spot at this time to save this man’s life.

After we left the mall, I was telling my friends that I never expected to really ever use those skills.  My friends said that it was a good thing that I did, because if I didn’t, that man would have died and those children would be without a father.  I started reflecting on how Christians have skills in life that God has given us to help others to advance the gospel.  While I was able to physically save this man at this point in time, I also thought how we are all called to preach the Gospel to the dying, so they might believe on Jesus Christ and be saved for eternity.

It has been over two years since I first started with YWAM.  I am currently in the Outdoor Ministry Internship and part of Flathead Valley Search and Rescue.  I expect that God has plans for me to use these physical life saving skills again and again.  While I am eager to be used in this capacity, I pray that opportunities will arise to communicate the soul saving belief in Christ.

When the Unthinkable Becomes Real

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In the Gospels we read stories of Jesus and the Apostles in Acts performing miracles of healing, the unthinkable. Ironically, when we read the Gospels, most people in the world, Christians included, believe that miraculous healing does not happen anymore. They think it is something of the past.  I used to discredit any thought of the miraculous until God changed my life with the power of healing and made the unthinkable become real.

In June 2013, a little over three years ago, I started a school at YWAM Montana called Endurance Discipleship Training School (EDTS). It is a Discipleship Training School that utilizes outdoor activities like hiking, rock climbing, and backpacking to grow in discipleship and minister to others.  In my first week of EDTS, I heard people talking about the power of God healing people and I was shocked to hear this.  My understanding was that God did not heal people in miraculous ways anymore and that was something of the past.  My honest reaction being new to YWAM was that these people are crazy to even think of this.  Little did I know that God had a plan to change my perspective.  A couple of weeks after the school started I was invited to go cliff jumping in Flathead Lake with some friends.  At first, I watched others jump in and it looked safe to me, so I jumped in. It was then that I realized that the water was too shallow and my foot hit the bottom.  I told my friends that I hit the bottom but I thought I was fine. When I got to the shore and stood up it was then that I felt a sharp pain in my foot.  The next day, in great pain, I went to urgent care.

They took an X-ray and told me that I had broken four bones in my foot and would be walking on crutches for the next three to four months.  I was thinking, “How could I go on with EDTS, which requires so much use of my feet?”  The doctor told me to come back in five days to see him after the swelling went down and to get an update.  As my school was camping those five days, they were the longest five days of my life.

At this point, I questioned God on why he would send me to YWAM, then in just a couple of weeks send me home because of my foot?  My friends and staff at YWAM were dedicated in prayer for my foot to be healed.  I kept on telling them that God does not miraculously heal anyone anymore, that was a thing of the past. I told them to stop wasting their time praying for something that was not going to happen.  Five days later I went back to the doctor to get an update on my foot.  I walked into the doctor’s office with crutches and in pain.  The doctor was pleasant to talk to and questioned me on what I am doing in Montana and at YWAM.  I tell the doctor about EDTS and that we do strenuous outdoor activities.  The doctor told me plainly that I would have to use crutches and there is no way that I could do any type of physical activities like hiking and climbing.  The doctor ordered another X-ray of my foot now that the swelling had calmed down.  As I was waiting for my X-ray results in the doctor’s office, I was frustrated with God and questioned him again, “Why would I be here only to be sent back home with a broken foot?” I was upset and said to God, “If you can really heal like people at YWAM said, then why don’t you just heal my foot?!” This is when the UNTHINKABLE happened! The doctor walked in with the old X-ray and the new X-ray in his hands.  He looked at me and said, “I have never seen this before in my life, the new X-rays are showing that your foot is no longer broken.”  I was shocked. Was I hearing the doctor correctly?  I asked him to say it again because I could not believe what I had just heard.  Amazed by what I heard the doctor tell me, I tried to stand up and see if  I could walk. Then the truth hit me.  I stood up and the pain that was in my foot was gone!  I started walking without any pain or discomfort.  Emotions overwhelmed me and I started crying because the unthinkable became real and the power of healing happened.

I went back to the YWAM base and told everyone I knew what had happened to me.  Most people looked at me and said, “Did you not believe in the healing power of God?”  I got on my knees in prayer to God to thank him for what He had done.  I proclaimed to Him that I would not doubt His miraculous works in the present and that I truly believe in the power of healing.  I am now a living testimony to that.  I try to share my story to people that need healing so that they might have faith and know that healing does happen.

He said to them, “Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you. (Matthew 17:20)

Pain in Ministry

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Note: nothing in this post is meant to be used as an excuse for us to avoid dealing with our pain; it is meant as an encouragement for those times when we just feel bad about stuff; when our emotions take over without rhyme or reason. Problems, when possible, should always be fixed, but sometimes we’re just bummed out as humans, and that’s what this is for, when people in ministry find themselves bummed out and feel it disqualifies them from participating in ministry. My goal is to show that, biblically, humans suffer a lot, and that it’s fine to have feelings, but God’s promises transcend our present experiences.

Pain in Ministry

For the last few years or so, and especially this last spring and summer, I have often found myself coming to a dilemma. During that time, I have done a few different biblical training courses and outreaches, all with the goal of sharing what I believe about God and the hope I have in Jesus with others. But so many times during that time, I found that I was in pain. A deep unhappiness, that I didn’t understand, and didn’t know how to reconcile it with what I was supposedly sharing with people, which essentially was a message of freedom. How could I feel so burdened and weak and cripplingly unhappy, when I’m supposed to be encouraging others in their freedom and strength and joy in Christ? What was I doing wrong? And more concerning still, what does this mean for who I am? Am I incapable of doing any truly good, lasting work because of this pain? As time went on, this is how I came to see myself, as a hypocrite who doesn’t deserve whatever opportunities were given to me to teach and share what I know. If I can’t see evidence of change in myself, how dare I convict others in their need to change? All of this was built on the idea that pain can’t be present, or at least shouldn’t (or shouldn’t be so burdensome at least), while one is in ministry. But I’ve recently come to a different understanding of myself, and how what I feel fits into what I feel God has called me to do. I don’t expect my experience to be that useful for many of you, but maybe it will, and the chance to help others is worth the risk of being vulnerable.

How I came to understand my experience was, as with most things, shaped by Scripture. I have long appreciated the emotional aspect of the Bible, and I more often identify with characters that lived lives of struggle. I had never really examined their lives before to see how they might understand their own struggles, and how that fit into their view of God. In Mark Masucci’s Biblical Seminar Courses we were encouraged to identify the ‘core’ theology of a given topic. If you’re in the Old Testament, what is the ‘core’ of what the authors are communicating about God? If you’re looking at Paul’s writings, what is at the ‘core’ of who he understood God to be? Once I started looking at some of my favorite biblical characters, I started to see that their lives, looking from the outside, should have been defined by their pain and suffering. So what was it about their belief in God that enabled them to become the heroes of our faith that we remember them to be? What is the ‘core’ of their theology that made life a little easier to swallow? And ultimately, what can that mean for me?

So what I will be doing here is looking at three of my favorite characters, trying to identify what the core of their theology ‘might’ be, and how that might relate to the lives of modern folk. I stress ‘might’ because these are just my interpretations, and I suspect I may be wrong about some things, to which I am sure the many excellent scholars on campus will happily call me out (and to which I welcome any corrections you might have). I also want to note that my friend Caleb Powers has been helping me process these things, and some of what I discuss is his input and not mine alone. The characters I will be examining are Peter, Jeremiah, and David. I will be looking at them in reverse chronological order, because my main point is made with David, and I want to ‘build the need’ as teachers say.

Peter, The Broken Apostle.

Out of all the people of the Bible (excluding the members of the godhead), I have thought about and appreciated Peter the most. He has, for me, always captured the struggle of what it means to be a human in relation to God, i.e. he screws everything up a lot. But aside from that, you almost always know what Peter is feeling any time he shows up in the text. He is passionate, he is bold, he is shortsighted, and in John 21, he is broken. After Peter had denied Jesus leading up to the crucifixion, and seeing the man he knew to be the Messiah, and also his friend, die up there on the cross for reasons he probably felt he could’ve helped to avoid, he left the ministry. When he says “I am going fishing,” he is basically walking away from what Jesus tells him in Matthew 16:13-20. He, I believe, no longer feels worthy of what Jesus has promised for him, because of his own guilt. But the rest of John 21 shows that Jesus doesn’t let Peter wallow in guilt, but instead seeks him out and confirms his role in ministry. Since Peter was human, I have a hard time believing he was absolved completely of what he felt. He still probably felt horrible about his actions, but as church history goes on to show, Peter was able to overcome whatever he may have felt about what he had done, and gave his life to building Christ’s church.

who am I that I could stand in His way?

How I believe he was able to do this, and what I see as the core of his theology, is found in Acts 11:17: “…who was I that I could stand in God’s way?” I believe this to be the core of how he saw himself, because no issue seems to come up more in his life. Going back to Matthew 16, in vss. 21-23, Jesus rebukes him in the famous “Get behind me Satan!” line. Peter then goes on to infamously deny Jesus three times. Paul’s rebuke of Peter in Galatians shows that at least in one other instance in his life, he appears to stand in the way of what God is doing. But I believe Peter’s remark in Acts 11 goes back to that day on the beach in John 21. I don’t know if Peter was ever emotionally or mentally the same after his denial of Jesus, but I believe Jesus’ pursuit of him on that beach showed him that if Jesus (God), pursues him in spite of his own denial of him, how could he possibly deny God (again)? In the case of Acts 10 and 11, if God gives him a ‘new’ theology, how could he deny it? Spiritually, he understood that he was God’s, and regardless of his mistakes, he knew that Jesus wasn’t going to let him go, because Jesus proved he would pursue him always, and “who am I that I could stand in His way?”

This is how I believe Peter was able to function in his ministry. I believe he endured great personal strife and, because of his humanity, was perhaps from time to time struck by his guilt. But Spiritually he knew where he was, which was beside Jesus’ side, because that’s where Jesus wanted him and Peter knew that he could not deny Him.

[promote_post title=”New Testament Studies Seminar” post_id=”1318″ description=”The New Testament Studies Seminar is one of a four-part seminar series offered by SBS International (also available: Old Testament Studies, Theology of Paul and Church History). This seminar is designed students a greater depth of proficiency in the New Testament and the theological issues that it raises…”/]

Jeremiah, A Buttress of Hope

Jeremiah is often remembered as the Weeping Prophet, but I don’t particularly like that moniker. I realize that it is literally true, but I think it loses sight of part of who Jeremiah was. Even though he wept, it never clouded his sight of God. Even though he often cried out in confusion about the things God was doing in his life, he always held firm. He was unshaken by his own emotional nature, and even amidst great physical, emotional and probable mental anguish, he held on. How? Why?

I believe the core of Jeremiah’s belief system comes from Lamentations 3, verses 24 and 31-32. “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” “For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though He cause grief, He will have compassion according to the abundance of His steadfast love;…” Incredible! Just a few verses before, in 3:16-18 he said: “He has made my teeth grind on gravel, and made me cower in ashes; my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, “My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the LORD.” How can Jeremiah make all of these statements so close to one another? Again, appealing to Jeremiah’s humanity, I believe the answer is found in the difference between his spiritual and emotional states. Emotionally, Jeremiah often seems to be a wreck, often totally distraught about what he is experiencing, which is understandable given what we see of his life. But I believe spiritually, he always comes back to what he says in vss 24 and 31-32. He knows who God is, and he knows that even in his suffering, surely he isn’t being cast off forever. He lives day to day in what appears to be utter heartbreak, but at the same time, with the spiritual fortitude to understand his soul has hope in the LORD. He may never see the compassion he speaks of in his life, at least not in a way that we would understand it, but he seems to know that his physical woe means nothing compared to the love of God, even if he has to take the long-view in his own life to see that, as he looks upon the rubble of Jerusalem.

David, Making Sense of Chaos

What does it mean to be in the valley of the shadow of death? What does it feel like to be sitting at a table with your enemies?

The whole basis of this little essay, and the process that God used to start healing me, started with David, and only a few weeks ago. It was in a meeting where Psalm 23 came up, and the focus was on the peace that David talks about that God gave him. But during that time, I was struggling, because I again found myself in a place of deep unhappiness and a sort of self-loathing for being so unhappy while I’m supposed to be ministering. I was hearing what everyone was staying about the Psalm, and the peace it gave them, and I just couldn’t relate, because I don’t think peace is the point of Psalm 23. Or at least not in the way it is often presented. This started me thinking on what David believed about his life, and how he could say the things he says in Psalm 23, about being led by still waters, even though his life was often non-stop chaos. Even Psalm 23 itself speaks of this chaos. What does it mean to be in the valley of the shadow of death? What does it feel like to be sitting at a table with your enemies? Are we really saying that David felt totally cool with both of those situations on a mental and emotional level? I have a hard time saying ‘yes’ to that last question, because David was human, and at the very least he would’ve been stressed if he was having salad with some Philistine generals while they casually discuss how they want to offer the Israelite army to their god Dagon (that isn’t biblical, it’s just what I imagine Philistine generals probably chatted about). Even Jesus felt stress and emotional turmoil in the Garden of Gethsemane (Matthew 26:36ff). Is David stronger than Jesus? Nope.

So what is going on here? Well, I believe Psalm 23 is critically important for explaining how David viewed his life. But I don’t believe it has much to do with verses 1-5. I believe 23:6 is the core of everything he believed, and how he was able to get by day to day with all the struggle and strife that filled his life. “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.” The key idea there being ‘forever.’ Everything in that Psalm that comes before that last line is all temporal imagery, of finding peace in the physical world. But dwelling in the house of the LORD forever is something different entirely. I think David is able to give us that delightful, peaceful imagery earlier in the Psalm, because he knows where he truly dwells. His body may be in these places of chaos and torment, but he knows who God is and how he relates to God, which is as his friend, destined to dwell in his house. Personally, I look to Psalm 25:16-18 for how I see David to generally understand his position, and that is probably the section I identify with the most currently in my life. And, for me, the only way I can reconcile all of these different Psalms where David presents a life totally contrary to the tranquility presented in Psalm 23 is by, like Jeremiah, seeing them split their lives into physical and eternal realities.

I believe David and Jeremiah, and probably most if not all Old Testament characters, were constantly looking beyond their present circumstance. Their lives, for all intents and purposes, really sucked. But they somehow carried on. Hebrews 11 speaks of Abraham being able to live out his life in tents because he was looking forward to a city with foundations. For Jeremiah, he knew the Lord wouldn’t cast him off forever; there had to be an end that resulted in compassion, because he knew who God was. And for David, the great sufferer and sinner, he knew he was ultimately always going to be coming back to the house of the LORD, and one day, forever.

Josh Miller, The Humbled Child

What I’ve been talking about is essentially just one of the hip Christianese topics of the day – “Eternal Perspective”. But for so long I understood that as a theology that sort of stood outside of day to day life. What I found when I went to Scripture and looked at the lives of my heroes, I saw that eternity was something that they applied to their daily lives to make sense of their realities. How else does Jeremiah endure without believing there has to be something beyond what he has spent his whole life seeing? How does David possibly ever recover from Nathan’s rebuke of his actions with Bathsheba and subsequent death of his child without believing he has a greater house than his own to come back to? Peter fits into this, because as humans we are sometimes tempted to believe that we can, or are, wandering away from God. But like Jesus in John 21, I believe he pursues us, pursues me, and if that is true, who am I to stand in his way? And if I am sometimes brutally unhappy, if my emotions say my reality is terrible and I am temporarily discouraged with this existence, I can return to the house of the Lord, where I know there is always room for me. Eternal perspective when understood as an applied theology, brings us to a place of looking past ourselves and onto the face of Jesus, who is making pie for us all to enjoy when he finally calls us all to come over to his house forever.

He found me on the beach, wallowing in my humanity and my failure, and has said ‘feed my sheep’

I again find myself humbled by God. I am still in pain and often unhappy, for reasons I am still trying to figure out, but believing that pain means I can’t serve God effectively no longer cripples me. He found me on the beach, wallowing in my humanity and my failure, and has said ‘feed my sheep’ (many of whom are themselves dealing with a lot of pain.) I don’t necessarily feel great doing that sometimes, but Jesus wants his sheep to hear his voice, and who am I to stand in his way? The joy of the Lord doesn’t necessarily mean we are completely happy with life, I know now; I find my hope and joy in the Lord right now, getting me through each day, because I know that soon, and eternally, my joy will be made complete as I dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

[promote_post title=”Blog Post: Emotions – A Biblical Perspective” post_id=”3618″ description=”Nearly sixty of the Psalms are the expression of difficult circumstances through lamentation. In fact, the book of Lamentations is devoted completely to the expression of difficulty in the life of the believer.”/]

Christians Should Read

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I was never one of those people you would find lying on the beach, cuddled up by a fireplace, or sitting in a coffee shop, enjoying a good book. The library was not a place to find a good read, but a place for me to find DVDs and magazines. Despite the fact that I’ve grown up around book lovers my entire life, I loathed reading. Other than the books I was forced to read in school, I can count the number of books I’ve read on 2 hands. But to my surprise (and to those who knew me growing up) I have found a love and a passion for reading! I could now spend hours in the library or used book stores, and going out with my husband to read sounds like a perfect date.

This year I read over 7,000 pages in the Directed Readings in Discipleship Course, reading books on many different topics, such as the character of God, worldview, and church history. My life was impacted in greater ways than I ever imagined, and has produced in me a strong desire to learn. Let me share with you why I think every believer should practice the discipline of reading.

It Will Enrich Your Personal Relationship With God

Reading different perspectives from many different authors has caused me to think more deeply about my beliefs. I came across opinions I agreed with, some that I disagreed with, and some that I wasn’t sure if I agreed with or not, which lead me to seek God for answers. This doesn’t mean that I have formed opinions on everything and have found all of the answers, but it has forced me to trust God and rely on him for wisdom.

Reading will quickly remind you of how much you desperately need God!

Reading will also enhance your relationship with God because you will find many areas in your life that you can improve on. Whether you are a new believer or you have been following Christ for years, you will always find areas of your life that need to be surrendered to Jesus. Reading on a regular basis is an extremely humbling experience if you focus on applying truth to your life. Reading is very beneficial because of the knowledge you will gain, but all of this is useless if you do not apply the truth to your own life. If you find yourself becoming stagnant or complacent in your walk with God, reading will quickly remind you of how much you desperately need God!

It Will Equip You to Disciple Others

The discipline of reading is an essential tool for becoming an effective discipler. For many years I have had a heart to disciple others, but I lacked the proper skills to do so. Unfortunately, due to my lack of study, I have made mistakes in discipling others. I did not know what I was doing, even though my intentions were good. Learning more about God’s character, my own identity, and my relationships with others has better equipped me to disciple others. I now feel more confident in my ability to disciple, which has led to a greater passion within me to see God’s truth change the lives of others.

It Will Give You a Heart for the Lost

Sharing the truth with those who do not believe in Jesus has always been a scary task for me because I lacked the confidence to share my beliefs. My fear of not having all of the right answers, or not having any answers at all, stopped me from sharing the gospel to a world that is full of questions. Through reading, I have been convicted of my responsibility to spread the gospel. I am no longer satisfied with simply saying “I do not know”, and then letting others do the hard work. All believers are called to share the good news of Christ, which means we must cultivate our minds to be able to effectively share the truth with our world.

So Pick Up a Book!

As my mind grows, it may make possible the growth of others

“We do not develop our intellects merely for our own personal advancement, but we put our thinking to work for the use of others… As my mind grows, it may make possible the growth of others.” Gordon MacDonald

I have learned that having a regular discipline of reading will create a deep hunger within you to learn. We do not read so that we can be puffed up with knowledge. We read to be able to share this knowledge with others, which will lead to seeing lives changed as they experience the truth of Jesus impact their lives.