One of the most beautiful things about having a relationship with God is the way He relates to you so personally. Often times we hear or read about how He knows us better than we know ourselves but when we get to experience it first hand that’s when you know He really does know and love you intimately. I began to understand this intimate love through dance, a language I believe God knows very well. Dancing has always been a part of my life, I started at age five and have never really stopped. There was always something about dance that drew me to continue learning; little did I know that God would use dance to speak to me and bring healing when I needed it most.
In the summer of 2002 my youngest sister who was only a little over a year old was killed in a car accident. My twelve year old self did not understand why God would allow such a horrible thing to happen to a family who loved and served Him. I remember watching my Mom weep with groans so deep and my Dad cry harder than I had ever seen, it stirred my little heart to a place of bitterness. A God who loved me would not allow such a tragedy. So I ran from Him, became angry and bitter, and declared that He didn’t exist. My family stuck together, became stronger, and still worshipped God with all their hearts, but I just couldn’t. I continued taking dance classes and filling my time with things that felt fulfilling to me, yet still all the while completely broken inside. Then a few years later my parents were approached by the pastors of our church and asked to share their story. They agreed and asked if I would like to contribute a dance to conclude there time sharing. Naturally I agreed, I would never pass up an opportunity to perform. So, based on my parents’ suggestion, I picked a song that seemed applicable and choreographed a dance to it.
The night of the talk came and it felt like any other night. My parents spoke and then I came on stage and waited for the music to start. As the music came on and I performed my first few steps something inside me began to break. Did I really believe the lyrics I was dancing to? Did God really know better than me? Could I let go of the need to know why? God began to move in my heart and with every step I let go and opened the door of my heart. And God came in, I sat on the stage weeping in front of everyone, not fully understanding what had happened. I had just messed up the ending to my dance and was on my knees weeping in front of the entire church, yet I didn’t care, I was beginning to see how hurt I was and how the Father’s love could bring restoration. After that night God began a process of healing within me. You see, we merely have to take one step towards God and He runs after us with relentless abandon. And He was after me, He wanted my healing more than I did.
I was able to perform that dance on several more occasions, each ending with the same result of a broken, weeping mess on the floor. Yet each time I did that dance a little more of me was healed. God used my love for dance to speak to me. He knows me! He knew that the only way to get to my heart was through movement. God used dance to heal me, to speak to me intimately, and to restore my relationship with Him. God knows us intimately and cares more about our wholeness than we do, His love is relentless, and I know I will see Him use me and my love for dance to bring restoration to others in the future. What an amazing, loving God I serve.