When DTS began, I was doubting God.

I questioned His existence. I tried analyzing and putting Him into a box. And even though He was performing signs, wonders and miracles in front of my eyes, I refused to acknowledge that His presence was real in my life.

I was scared. I was sure that a King so mighty would never love someone like me. I began DTS as a girl whose heart was so weaved into brokenness that I was convinced my story could not be redeemed. I wondered why He would call me to be His disciple. A girl who refused to proclaim His name.

I walked into outreach still carrying many of those lies with me.

Outreach was difficult, but God is a gentleman. He knew that I needed time to trust that He genuinely wanted us to have an intimate relationship. That His plan for me was far greater than the title of “human.” That I am to be a disciple, a friend, His daughter.

Days passed by quickly during the first few weeks of outreach in Mexico, and my relationship with God still felt weak. I knew that I wasn’t leaning into Him as much as I should. Or as much as I wanted to. My prayers were still desperate pleas for God to show up. I felt unworthy, and I wanted Him to wreck me with a sense of value. To wash over me in great waves of grace and love and restoration. I doubted His existence, but I still was passionate about rising up a new generation of disciples that would love His broken people. That would love people who were scared, and lonely, and seeking Him, no matter what baggage of hurt they hauled everywhere with them. Men and women who had been told that their stories and testimonies were too heavy to be shared. Not pure enough to be brought out of darkness and into light. That their gifts would never be adequate to serve the Most High in the world. People like me.

A few weeks in, I was struggling with questions like: “Where are You, God?” and “Why did You call me to Mexico?”… Why did God call me to Mexico?

I began to pray that He would reveal Himself to me in very specific ways. He was so faithful to those prayers. All of the sudden, it was like a click of a light switch, and He was there. When my heart was empty, He would pour His love into me. On days that I was grieving over moments from my past, God would place someone in my path to show me where He had been. He began to teach me that my past pain can be turned into a ministry opportunity, an empathy that will help heal others. That I can be a wounded healer by sharing vulnerably about where I once was, and with a boldness declare where He now has me.

Mexico is a nation full of broken hearts and people content with living a life that doesn’t satisfy the callings God has placed in them. My presence in Mexico was not necessary for God to work in His people of that nation. He wanted me there so He could work on my own heart.

God is faithful, present and listening. He called me to Mexico to show me those characteristics. He hears my cries, is faithful even when my doubts overpower my belief, and is present by constantly showing me that He wants to heal my heart.

When DTS began, I was doubting God.

I left Mexico confident that I am loved and desired by a God who knows all of me, and still calls me to be His disciple.