“God, I am sorry.”
“God, I am hurting.”
“God, I am dirty. I am a disappointment. I am so incredibly lost.”
This has been my conversation to God most of my life. I came to Him in my brokenness, over and over and over again. I came to Him for forgiveness, but never for love. I came to Him for healing, but surrendered nothing. That was my “relationship” with God. I had no idea someone
like me, with all that I’ve done, could have it any other way. Little did I know, it just took one small step in obedience for God to show me something incredible. “Let it all go” is what I heard for over a year. A year full of pain, disappointment, heartbreak, and plenty of sin. There I was, fighting for worldly things while Jesus was fighting for me. Finally desperate enough, I let it all go. And that’s when every worldly thing I wanted began to mean nothing. I tried not to let my shame and my complete lack of self-worth keep me from saying “yes”. So I decided to do a DTS, leave my plans behind, and put my complete trust in what God had for me.
The first three months, I expected to learn who God really was. And honestly, I did. But even more than that, I learned about love. Yes, LOVE! Love was always one of those things I talked about, but never really understood. I thought love came from goodness, and I knew that I wasn’t good. And I knew that I didn’t deserve to be loved, especially by God. I was “too dirty”. But then something happened during lecture phase. God completely exposed what I had believed my whole life as a lie. He showed me that I was beautiful, not dirty. He would tell me over and over again “you are loved”. Every time I felt unworthy He would tell me “I know you. I see you. You are heard”. It was the most beautiful thing. And it didn’t stop either. Every day He poured more and more truth into me about how incredibly loved I am by Him. I began to believe it, too. That’s what changed everything. It’s one thing to hear something, but it’s another thing to completely let that become a truth in your life. I am loved!
Then came outreach. The biggest thing God taught me during those two months was the act of surrendering. There were many lies that the enemy tried to speak, but once I realized the control those had on me, I gave them to God. There were moments I felt unqualified. Moments I didn’t understand. Moments I was heartbroken. And it was in those moments that God showed me His power. In my weakness He was always there to give me strength. The enemy would come, but God’s power outshone the enemy every single time I chose to surrender. The peace I found in giving those things to God really helped me own my own story. I began to absolutely LOVE telling my testimony. It was something I was nervous but so excited about! I wasn’t “too dirty” at all for those who chose to listen. I wasn’t “too weak”. I was qualified because it was through God’s strength and not my own. It became God’s words. It became God’s story. And the fact that He can use it for His glory shows just how beautiful and gracious He is! Now that I’m back home, I am so incredibly thankful that I said “yes”. I have a relationship with Jesus that no longer consists of just brokenness. I go to Him in LOVE! I surrender anything that tries to capture me and take me away from that love. I am His! He is mine! And this journey has been the best decision of my life.
I am loved.